ok so my CAP didn't go for a bungee-jump, although it was nevertheless tantamount to jumping off the SOC low ramp.

i think i'll do it again next sem!

after all my bitching about EL2101, i looked at the C+ grade registered on my computer screen and i didn't know whether to laugh or to cry, so well well, looks like i got my just desserts for my incessant bitching on my blog. oh well, at least lectures with the guys were fun. . . 2 more level 3000 EL modules to go. . . any recommendations? preferably a module that's relatively harder to score a C+?

i just felt like blogging. thanks to everyone who showed their concern about my operation yesterday, everything went fine and i'm alright. . . for those who didn't know about it, its ok, everything went fine and i'm alright =)

would i be happier if my school life were totally empty of any actitivies other than studying? or would i be happier if i always had something to do at the back of my mind ? i would have to say the latter. i have to have something to do, otherwise i will be bored. and i cannot stand being bored. at the end, i'm trying to look at things objectively - i'll graduate with an honours degree in 2009. what does that mean to me? i want to do something with my life. i dare say that almost all of you reading this are fellow undergrads, on track for a bachelor's degree, like me, and like several thousand others out there. what does the degree scroll signify? what makes my experience in getting that degree scroll any different from yours? its what i do not pursuing that piece of paper. think about it.

production starts tomorrow, and as the lights dim down, i know i would feel a pang of regret shoot through my heart. because i know deep down, i did not do all i could have done.

"how do you fuck someone you love?"

how does one commensurate the dualities of love and lust? love is selfless, lust is selfish. if they come together in the act of sexual intercourse, does that not make sex a contradiction in itself? people use sex to gain love. people use love to gain sex. how can disparate expectations ever lead to a mutual experience?

i watched the movie "lie with me" across the weekend, i will not comment on how "good" or "bad" it was because such comments are but superficial value judgements, i will however say that its impact on me was nothing short of visceral, not since "irreversible" and THAT rape scene have i experienced something as disturbing as that. unlike "irreversible" however, what troubled me was not the graphic sex scenes (of which there were quite a few), but the warped and precarious psychology of the characters, and more specifically, how everything was done for the promise of happiness. i would highly recommend this movie to all who're above 21.

the tragedy is that the characters all think they are justified in what they seek. but maybe they are both wrong in that they look to sex as a means to a greater satisfaction beyond the orgasm, an undescribable spiritual fulfillment. but maybe sex was never meant to serve that purpose?

lie with me. lie to me. do not tell me the truth, tell me what i want to hear, let me feel what i want to feel. delude me. let me live in an illusion - an illusion of a promise that as i withdraw from your body after a shuddering climax, i will be happy. and so would you. and i will, in another delusion, love you for providing me that happiness.

"the urge to be a perfect father is there, because your child is a perfect gift."

no i am not thinking of starting a family anytime in the forseeable future. but really, how does one fathom this notion of fatherhood? what are the "ingredients" and "recipe" of being a good father? the truth is, no one knows, simply because it is a common belief that no such definition exists. but that does not mean that i should be, and am content with accepting it simply because of the absence of an antithesis.

what has been running through my head is this: if one has not a "good" father, does that mean that he, in following the "not good" example, would also become a "not good" father in future? (the apple never falls far from the tree). conversely, does having a "not good" father entail a greater desire for one to be a "good" father to well, in a sense, atone for the past? (never underestimate the sins of the father. "When one has not had a good father, he must create one" - Nietzsche)

is the relationship between a father and child incongruent in that it be easier being a child to a father, than a father to a child? how does one explain the father-child relationship in words? how does one explain any relationship in words, for that matter?

i guess i would never know the answers to these questions. not in the forseeable future anyway.

its finally over. out of sight, out of mind (till May 27, that is)

5 exams in 4 days (a quick and painless death indeed. ok wait i'm not sure about the "painless" bit.)
5 term papers
5 response papers
3 quizzes
2 presentations
2 mid term tests
countless sleepless nights

but what do these numbers mean? what did this semester mean to me? as i locked my PGP room for the very last time today, i've put to a close another chapter of my life - my first year in uni. before i closed my eyes to a deep slumber last night, the many memories came back in a flood. everything this semester has been such a blast

- DOTA sessions that culminated in the 9-person game we had just before the exams
- getting myself "a little too high" at jae's party (yes i'm sure everyone would attest that was fucking memorable, right leonard?)
- mambo nights and going for military history lecture on thurs morning sleep-deprived and probably semi-sober too (thanks mark for all the notes!!)
- many many extremely late dinners at fongseng and walking back to PGP extremely later, huffing and puffing up the bizad slope (yes i can no longer run my 2.4km under 10 min)
- sitting at the back and making a fuck-load of noise during elang lects with xing jian, leo, ben goh. . . (oh, and bitching about a certain LBL too . . . )
- those parties at my room where some motherfucker threw a bottle to shut us up, learning to make lychee martinis, and making extremely toxic graveyards that smelt suspiciously like the SAF detergent. (oh, and making chun xing drunk through daidee)
- playing PS2 in leonard's room (leo: "ehhh i realllllllyyy have to study lahhhh", me: "fuck it lahhhh")
- THAT bday party for leonard (leo where are the videos? caihui, nurheda, alex and myself all want them heh... you KNNBCCB i fucking wash your bedsheet at 4am, despite 9am got soci midterm)
- "studying" at the "study room" with jae, lynn, aileen, sh, vic, junwen, kent, leo. (we all know what the inverted commas are for, right? heh heh)

i'm saving the best for last. . .
- HCAP (both the preparation and the event itself) from the 3-hr long phone arguments and meetings, to trips to Pulau Ubin, Night Safari, Quality Hotel and erm. . . Alien spaceships. . .
- Harvard experience (never mind i got 0 for my EL quiz and a C for my term paper because of it, watching wenqi walk into parking meters and a barefooted qingru in search of her shoes at an outdoor ice-skating ring more than made up for the bad grades.)
- and of course. . . meeting a very special someone whom i can treat "more like a rugby ball than a porcelain tea set". would you beg to differ on that, qingru?

qingru you were right. what's important is not about my fear in losing these memories, but rather them having occured in the first place, and made my life that much more bearable in the process.

i will end off with a lynnette's quote from lynnette's blog. . . "It was a brilliant sem, a brilliant past year, and I wish we could all stay this protected forever." thanks for the memories everyone.

(this is a really long entry)

P.S.: if you feel that you've provided me with some memories to be cherished but i've failed to acknowlege your contribution, contact me. i will evaluate your claim and if necessary, dedicate my next blog entry to you.

my exams are over, and once again i'm bored with life. how bored? bored enough for me to upload random pics on my blog. . .


(above): that's the view of the parapet outside my room, disgusting isn't it? thank you jaesson for throwing down the fake pair of CK briefs


(above): if you thought that was gross... wait till you see it flood. even Moses would have difficulties with this.


(above): don't you just love taking photos of safety breaches? this is a pic of the fire extinguisher outside my room, oh well, at least it didn't expire in 1990 or something. . .


(above): the perfect study table. now you know why i prefer to study on the bed.