(this entry was supposed to be posted yesterday, but i couldn't complete it then)

life is cruel.

i just returned home from the driving centre, having finally passed my driving on the 4th attempt. yet happiness is transient, and it was overshadowed and blemished by an incident that happened after that.

i was at the bus stop waiting for a bus after my driving test 4 hours later, and was sms-ing qingru to tell her about this particularly adorable stray cat i saw this morning that purred and meow-ed delightfully as i scratched it. at the corner of my eye i saw this kitten appear from the bushes, and charged across the 4-lane road the very next instant. a horde of cars went by within the blink of an eye, and when i looked again, the kitten was lying on the road, a tiny stream of blood emanating from its head.

it was still alive, barely. 2 of its feet were raised in the air in a desperate and futile attempt to reach out for help. i paused. i could very well have brought it back to the side of the road, albeit at the expense of my own life. i hesitated, and the next wave of cars went passed. i heard a faint thud, the distinctly sickening sound of bones being shattered and crushed.

i ran and carried the kitten back to the safety of the roadside, to the utter surprise and shock of those present. but it was too late.

the kitten died on me.

it has been almost 45 minutes since then, and faint smears of dried blood are still on my hands. it bears testament to the fragility of life, and the price of one's hestiation.

i never did send that sms.

i'm tired as usual. slept at 330am after work at singapore pools last night only to get up at 730am to rush to national parks. and i've just finished editing the NRIC numbers of about 1000 people in some database with lots of stupid formulas that simply are not working for me. but anyway, here's an article to ponder on, the stats may be confusing (it is afterall, a mini research paper), but the results and conclusions drawn are rather interesting:

How Do Male and Female Students Approach Learning at NUS?

Q: what is the similarity between a "study break" and a "holiday"?

A: both of them never fulfills their prescribed purpose.

i'm busy. and tired.

slightly over a year back i collected my pink IC from the manpower clerk, waved goodbye to sungei gedong, and told myself to fuck off and never return till i get my 100A, or whatever funky notification thing MINDEF has nowadays. but return to NS i did, not physically. . . but well, emotionally.

before i left the army, i told myself that life "out there" would be so much better, and in retrospect after more than a year, i force myself to question: has it been, really?

i am attached again after a 4 year hiatus, and have had fun meeting this bunch of people in NUS, the arts raggers 2005 and my USP pals especially, whom have undoubtedly brightened up otherwise monotonous days in school. but if i were to negate all that, and examine that same question. . . truth be told, i do not know the answer. and i would dare say a certain part of me wishes to go back to the army.

maybe all we need in our lives is the illusion that we're living a life. and what happens when the bubble bursts? we blow another one and step into it.

its been over a week since production ended, and i still can't get this song out of my head, its tune continues to resonate in my head. the poignant story its lyrics tell remains stinging like a wound inflicted by the most raw of emotions - helplessness. can we find ourselves in the eyes of the one we love? or are we deluded, obsessed, and lost?

You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

I'm in over my head
You got under my skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in

And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time

Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you

thank you for making my 22nd birthday a truly memorable one, you know who you are, from the few people who SMS-ed me to the crazy bunch that had graced my dinner with their presence and presents. . . thank you. you could not have made the day any bettter than what it already was.

and qingru, i am truly sorry for whatever i said to you in the afternoon. for bringing you to tears, for undermining whatever undoubted effort you put in to make the whole celebration a success, and for wanting to walk out on you when it would have been so much easier to walk in. but you lifted a burden of 13 years from my shoulders, and after the dust of the afternoon has settled, i remain that much more grateful to you for that.

i shall sleep soundly tonight.